If there is one thing you can give to the Philippines, what is that gift?

 If I can give one thing to the Philippines, I would give her the gift of sincerity. The gift of finding her own voice again and being faithful to it.

I was born in the early 80’s and was too young to fully comprehend what’s happening to my country then in the context of those times. But to my mind now, Filipinos, even the poorest of the poor, used to have dignity. Not because they were economically rich but because cinemas were bursting with glowing vibes of local movies, many are as mediocre as the present time films but some were gems waiting to be found, and there were sterling varieties, genre was a vibrant concept. Filmmakers were ambitious and in several times, rightly compensated for it. Sitting in front of the big screen meant ferreting heartfelt dialogues and emotions. Characters felt real, placed in real situations and predicaments, not some trying hard actors instructed to vomit overly condescending lines.

Music in the airwaves sounded either too dramatic or preachy for the modern taste but they all sounded soulful and genuine.

Nobody is born holding a manual on how to live or were you?

Afterlife

My life has been a roller coaster ride and it's no accident, I'm an impulsive and passionate person, I do things at whim. I love and I love like there's no tomorrow. But on the flip side of things, of the mess, all the pain I brought upon myself and other people, there's a kind of beauty in it.

I'm wiser. Maybe we won't agree on what it means. But there's wisdom in mere knowing.

Is this aging or what?

I don't dig facebook or farmville.

I don't hate the jejemons as much as those who are trying to promote them grossly.

My Reader is not getting lots of feeds anymore let alone feeds that makes sense. Grrrr.

I'm not good anymore in masking my moods and distaste even in too trivial matters.

I love double standards when it favors me.

I can feel my anger in my chest i want to immediately spit it out sometimes in the form of acid.

I suspect everything of anything.

Anything goes. But I love a little gossiping and holier-than-thou posturing from time to time.

I can't stand wearing pants. My shorts and onesies are the heaven.

I'm googling health insurace and diet plans.

I don't google my name as much as I used to.

Election '10 internalizing

Sometimes I view elections in teary-eyed sentimentality but today, May 10, election day, I have yet to cast my ballot, it's like I'm struck by my own coldness, and the casualness everything appears to me.

I'd love to be optimistic, that's how I was last night while I'm arguing over text with a pessimistic buddy. But today... it's like I don't wanna hear anything about it anymore. Maybe because my bets will lose anyway. Wehehe.

Hay. As much as I want it otherwise, I judge people and people's intelligence based on their votes.

It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Weh.

I thought experience's supposed to make you harder, number. It doesn't. Every heartbreak is new. There's no getting used to it. From that time that the sky and earth feels like crashing into you to that slow gnawing pain, the sense of loss that you feel every breathing minute that you almost literally wanna carry yourself from one state to another.

Every heartache is personalized. You cannot compare yours from others'. You don't know until it is owned.

Life is a bitch.

I'm a woman whose responsibility is only myself, I expect nothing from anyone and nothing, in turn, is expected of me. I work for myself, live with myself and being relied on is a strange thing for me coz I have my parents to depend all my life. So I view having a marriage and/or having kids with either fear and longing. And I’m not hypocrite enough to say that I stay this way because I decided to stay this way. It’s not like I turned down a wedding proposal or something. During my youthful innocence, there are some instances I’d like to run away with someone or drag someone to City hall but those are just passing wishes brought by my desperate circumstances. I think it is mostly destiny and a little of choice to stay unattached at age 26 but I can’t say I regret or I rejoice being this way. Or that I will stay this way.

Being alone and being tied to someone else, I must say, has their own joys and sorrows. I haven’t crossed the other side but based on observation, managing to live with yourself needs working out as managing to live with someone else. When I’m doing my groceries, I can’t help but wish to have someone to push the shopping cart with me or for me and argue what brand of soap and shampoo to buy, read the labels with. Before I sleep at night, I wonder how it feels to lie every night with someone knowing you’re gonna sleep again the next night with this same person. The feeling of companionship and regularity, of shared happiness, troubles, and fears, the feeling of being needed everyday and needing everyday, of giving and taking guiltlessly, and not having the whole pressure of what to do with your life on your whole shoulder. Living alone is not all-too different from marriage, solitude is like another being that takes mass and form, sometimes your relationship is scary or lonely or tedious but you have to be strong and patient and to love or learn to love it. Solitude is a friend but just like a husband or wife it is also your foe.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t take a great psychologist to know that those who are married or living with a partner, wonders too how it feels to be free again, to look after yourself alone, to have your salary all for yourself, and the little things like flirting and going to parties all night, and just having more choices, and more time for yourself, and being taken as individual and not as a husband or wife or mother or father of. Case to case basis but sometimes, the heavy aura (and complaints for those who are more vocal) of married people repulses me the least from the thought of marriage and having kids. Case to case basis but seeing happy couple is like finding a gold mine and even you do, you still wonder if it’s just a put-up or a fleeting thing and you wonder what’s really happening inside their bedrooms when no one’s looking.

I would like to believe, at this point in my life, that whatever path you choose or fate chooses for you, it is your decision to be happy or to be peaceful the least. You can’t choose your feelings but you can choose to cope with them. Married and single life can be both a confinement box, but it’s dealing with it that makes a difference. Save from some extreme situations I guess, that if you feel alright about yourself chances are you’d feel alright inside a marriage or a singleness. It takes acceptance to live peacefully, acceptance of what you are, and acceptance of what you’re willing to be.

People have their own destinies and own stories to tell, but like my favorite author said: “So much of life is will”. Isn’t it the sanest thing to believe?

Simply from the heart

Yaman din lamang na lately ang tema ng buhay ko ay pagpapakatotoo sa sarili. Kapag inalis ko sa konsiderasyon ang ibang tao, kung ano ang gusto kong iprove sa kanila. Ito ang gusto ng puso, ang minimum na gusto ng puso ko:

Ang mamuhay ng komportable. Yung kaya kong gawin ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin:manood ng pelikula, magbasa ng libro, mag-internet, magsulat, kumain ng masasarap at iba-ibang putahe, magbiyahe. Hindi ko pala talaga pangarap maging mayaman, yung maging katulad nina Henry Sy. Gusto ko lang yun para pantabon sa lahat ng frustrations ko sa buhay.

Ang mamuhay kasama ng aking taong minamahal/mga minamahal. Walang chuvanes. Malungkot mamuhay mag-isa. Hindi ako ganun kalakas para harapin ang buhay/maging masaya na harapin ang buhay na ako lang. Marunong ako magmahal, mahilig ako magmahal, marami akong pwedeng ibigay.

Ang maging masaya. Tumawa, magpatawa, may masabing cute at kakaiba, may marinig na cute at kakaiba, kumanta, makinig ng mga kanta, lumandi, landiin. Maglakad, tumakbo, gawin ang gusto kong gawin na walang may kapangyarihang pumigil. Manatiling baliw, manatiling bata.