I'm a woman whose responsibility is only myself, I expect nothing from anyone and nothing, in turn, is expected of me. I work for myself, live with myself and being relied on is a strange thing for me coz I have my parents to depend all my life. So I view having a marriage and/or having kids with either fear and longing. And I’m not hypocrite enough to say that I stay this way because I decided to stay this way. It’s not like I turned down a wedding proposal or something. During my youthful innocence, there are some instances I’d like to run away with someone or drag someone to City hall but those are just passing wishes brought by my desperate circumstances. I think it is mostly destiny and a little of choice to stay unattached at age 26 but I can’t say I regret or I rejoice being this way. Or that I will stay this way.
Being alone and being tied to someone else, I must say, has their own joys and sorrows. I haven’t crossed the other side but based on observation, managing to live with yourself needs working out as managing to live with someone else. When I’m doing my groceries, I can’t help but wish to have someone to push the shopping cart with me or for me and argue what brand of soap and shampoo to buy, read the labels with. Before I sleep at night, I wonder how it feels to lie every night with someone knowing you’re gonna sleep again the next night with this same person. The feeling of companionship and regularity, of shared happiness, troubles, and fears, the feeling of being needed everyday and needing everyday, of giving and taking guiltlessly, and not having the whole pressure of what to do with your life on your whole shoulder. Living alone is not all-too different from marriage, solitude is like another being that takes mass and form, sometimes your relationship is scary or lonely or tedious but you have to be strong and patient and to love or learn to love it. Solitude is a friend but just like a husband or wife it is also your foe.
Nevertheless, it doesn’t take a great psychologist to know that those who are married or living with a partner, wonders too how it feels to be free again, to look after yourself alone, to have your salary all for yourself, and the little things like flirting and going to parties all night, and just having more choices, and more time for yourself, and being taken as individual and not as a husband or wife or mother or father of. Case to case basis but sometimes, the heavy aura (and complaints for those who are more vocal) of married people repulses me the least from the thought of marriage and having kids. Case to case basis but seeing happy couple is like finding a gold mine and even you do, you still wonder if it’s just a put-up or a fleeting thing and you wonder what’s really happening inside their bedrooms when no one’s looking.
I would like to believe, at this point in my life, that whatever path you choose or fate chooses for you, it is your decision to be happy or to be peaceful the least. You can’t choose your feelings but you can choose to cope with them. Married and single life can be both a confinement box, but it’s dealing with it that makes a difference. Save from some extreme situations I guess, that if you feel alright about yourself chances are you’d feel alright inside a marriage or a singleness. It takes acceptance to live peacefully, acceptance of what you are, and acceptance of what you’re willing to be.
People have their own destinies and own stories to tell, but like my favorite author said: “So much of life is will”. Isn’t it the sanest thing to believe?
No comments:
Post a Comment