Peaceful Parenting 101

Spare the rod and spoil a child.

Our generation, the 80's children, at least most of us, knows this parenting style so well, in fact we know it like a childhood friend. The whipping sound, the physical pain and more than that the cold sensation washing over our faces that we only later on know by its exact name--embarrassment. And they say, violence is a vicious cycle but for some miraculous twist of fate or call it the changing times, the cycle has been broken when it's our turn to take the cudgels. However, change has not happened everywhere, not to all of us. Barbarism is not kept away for good, not every hour of our life.

Patience requires so much sanity especially when your child is in toddler or preschool age. Their hyperactivity, their slowness or fastness in doing things is in dire contrast with our normal speed as grown ups. They can say the funniest or the wittiest things at times but the inane things they blabber, their tireless enthusiasm at almost everything and the amount of attention and care they demand from us is at some point insanity-inducing. It's like you're caught in a completely different wavelength that to succumb means compacting yourself into a child you can't possibly return to or exploding to bits into the immense universe (OA much? :))

Fact is, till now it still feels surreal being a mother of this four-year old child who could be a random kid from neighborhood expect she looks so much like me and she keeps on calling me "mommy".

Fact is, it's not always spontaneous to be a democratic and diplomatic parent to a little child. A peaceful relationship with your child requires effort. It's work. it's easy to lose it especially, our lives as an adult are landmine of violent things happening inside us-- it's easy to snap out and and do hurtful things to your kids physically or in words or both.

And this single meltdowns could happen more often than we realize. And before we know it,the damage we have done to our children is already at point irreparable. 

But good thing we can always start somewhere. As for me, from now on I set this following basic peace reminders:

1. Treat my child as I would treat an adult. If I scream at or hit the face of my colleague upon disagreeable things he or she has done, I'd end up in trouble. The reason it's easy to hurt our children is because they're weak and defenseless and because we'd get away with it. 
2. I am a parent not an authority. My daughter never asked to be brought into this world, and the only thing that separates me and my child is age and experience. She can look at me for lead and guidance but I can never order her around and bully her around just because I want to. Have to keep reminding myself that kids exist in a different reality, play is their life. They don't share our goals and aspirations in day to day life, most probably not even our personality, and if I want to set rules and get things done my way--being rational and making the purpose of things clear to her is very important.
3. Negotiate. Negotiating can also blow into a stressful enterprise especially with kids. But treating them as grownups this way will help them to deal with things in a mature way.
4. Apologize. I'm human, being a parent didn't turn me into a demi-god. So in case a meltdown just transpired, the damage-is-done mantra will not get me anywhere. Say sorry, it means I'm acknowledging my child as an equal and not a lesser being and opening her mind to the reality that nobody is perfect even their parents, but anyone can try.

To sum this all up in two words: patience, patience. 

Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength. -Saint Francis de Sales